My neighbor-friend was amused by my question. Rightfully, he
threw it back at me.
“I don’t know,” he said.
“Do I?”
His flippancy helped me acknowledge the absurdity of my phrasing. After all, it was a pretty simple situation. I wanted him to hand me “that” plate. Given that rather simple need, I could have
said, “Please hand me that plate.” And, because handing someone a plate is
so-not-a-big-deal, he no doubt would have obliged. Why did I choose such a nonassertive approach? Why did I choose the type of phrasing that
practically makes it sound like I’m doing him a favor by predicting his next,
most favored move?
The next time I visited my folks in Virginia
An hour or so later, she asked, “Do you wanna hand me the
kleenex?”
And so it went. I
didn’t track all the times that I used the phrase, but I’m sure I was as guilty
as Mom of placing every request in that “it’s really your call” context. Who the hell are we kidding? She wanted minced onion in the casserole
(hence, the question as to whether I’d like to include that ingredient.) She needed a Kleenex (hence, her curiosity as
to whether I was interested in handing the box to her.)
What’s with this consistent offering of bogus empowerment?
After my father died, I traveled to Virginia Boston
That’s when it really hit me that this was a family trait,
and specifically, my mother’s family.
Having not grown up in that pre-war New England household, I
can’t possibly do an armchair analysis that explains the passive nature of
their asking for help. It seems, though,
that there was a bit of shyness there.
Hesitance. Or, maybe just a
tendency to pass off responsibility?
Do you wanna offer some opinions?
6 comments:
I have been known to do the same thing. I think it comes from the desire to not be pushy/obtrusive/bothersome.
I am sure your mother never said to you when you were a toddler, "Do you wanna take a nap?" as she was way too smart.
One thing I've learned as a mom, never ask just tell them.
Hugs and chocolate,
Shelly
Katie, I'm glad to see you back. This post touched a nerve because I often hear parents use the same fake deferment with their kids by adding "okay?" to the end of a sentence, as in: Settle down now, okay?
Does the child really get a vote when an adult wants a behavioral change? Not usually, so why the pretext of asking?
Your neighbor did you a favor by pointing out the problem with your phrasing. Good detective work in tracing it back to the place it started.
This post made me chuckle, because I hear this in my home. My husband says it all the time, and I like to have a little fun with it.
How weird and wonderful and intriguing. I think a character in a story needs to explore this a bit further. :-)
This phrase strikes me as a US one so I don't think I have used it except in its rightful place when I am genuinely asking the question but I am sure there are phrases over here that drive me mad such as the addition of "you know/like/right" out of context. My eldest son used to be fond of saying,
"Mum, right, I did this, right..." Right? Is it? I don't know.
Then in Gloucestershire, it is common to hear,
"I went to the shops, like, I bought some food, like,..." Like what? Do I? I could go on...I confess to finding the Gloucestershire quite charming as i lived there for three years, like. :-)
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